January 13- This day was a hard day. I went to visit my grandfather with the kiddos around 430 that afternoon, he had just been transported back from Alexandria Hospital to the Rosepine Retirement home and we wanted to visit with him. He was asleep and not very responsive, but we talked to him anyway. I told him to squeeze my hand if he could hear me when I told him that I loved him. He squeezed very gently and my heart ached a little just knowing how weak he was. We told him we loved him and told him we would be back tomorrow.
About 45 minutes later I received a call from the nursing home telling me that I should come asap, he would probley stop breathing within the next 5 minutes. I ran outside, screamed for my kids to get in the car so we could get there before his last breath. As we walked into his room, the machine went off and my heart broke. Tears were immediately running down my face. I didn't know what else to do but to lay over on him and let him know how much I loved him. My three children were so confused at that point being only 4, 7, and 10. I tried my hardest to explain to them that grandpa had passed away and was now in heaven with the angels and Jesus, and God . We had talked in the previous days about death and what happens when someones dies so it was not a complete shock to them.
The way they responded was amazing , Abbey-10, came over and laid her sweet head down on his chest and cried, Nathan-7 was next. They were both so mature, and loving. Lucas-4 slowly came over and gave him a hug. His body was still warm so it probley was if he was sleeping to them. All three of the kids kissed him on the cheek and told them how much they would miss him. I wasn't handling it very well, so I called my very good friend Kim and she came and picked the kids up. She came in the room and I can't even explain the sense of relief I felt, just knowing she was taking the kids and knowing how much she obviously cared about me as a friend.
I laid there with him as long as I possibly could, I didn't want to leave him because I knew once I left, that was it. I would never see him again. I laid there and held his hand until the coroner came in and took his body. My grandmother, his wife who lived in Missouri, had told me already that he would be cremated so I said my goodbyes.
That evening was horrible. I went to Kims' and picked the kids and then they decided that they would stay the night with their friends, thank you Heidi, and Jessica! My bff Tricia came over and brought me some dinner and listened to me cry and did her best to comfort me. At that point, I think that might have been one of the hardest days of my life. My grandpa and I had not had a great relationship growing up, he was a drunk and always made mean comments. But in the last two years while he was in the nursing home, we became so close. He was honestly a changed man. I loved him and wish I had more time with him every single day.
In the days following his family made things very difficult, like alot of families do as I hear. I was accused of wanting his stuff because I went to his house the next day with the kids just to mourn and to get one last picture in my head of him sitting on the porch smoking his cigarettes. My family, especially my mother hurt me so bad that I honestly can never forgive her. She said some of the meanest things I have ever heard come from a mothers mouth. Those days of her saying what she said to me made me feel like I just wanted to die. My heart hurt so bad I didn't even want to live another day, I was thinking what would happen to my kids and my husband and wondering if they could make life work without me.
After praying REALLY hard and doing alot of soul searching I realized that that was not in the cards for me. God would not want me to end my life because of mean things my mother said to me. She claims to me such a christian woman but a christian person would not say such mean things. I just had to push that all out of my mind and move forward. My husband was such a rock through all of this and I would have never got past all of it without him. He was sent to me from God and for that I will be forever thankful. I have forgiven my mother, but will never forget. Although I pray that I will :)
I think this situation was a test of my love for God and defiantly made me realize that I do have a reason to be on this earth.
No comments:
Post a Comment