Feeling Good

Wow, I can not believe it has been 10 days since I posted! Well I feel like I am getting out of the horrible funk. I have forgiven, which is thanks to God and his work inside of me! Not forgot, but it takes time.  have been to Missouri, which as you all know I was dreading thanksgiving with my family, but it actually turned out to be incredible. I had an amazing time and loved every single moment of being with my cousins, aunt, uncle, 2 cousins, momma, sisters, and their boyfriends. It s soooo what I needed! Now if I could only get my kids to behave!

Thankful

We all have to remember how many things in our life we have to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family most of all, my hussband and by children, even though as I am writing this Lucas is sitting here whining and saying "Nate won't let me play the wii, Nate won't let me play the wii, Nate won't let me play the wii, Nate won't let me play the wii" ya he even said it more times than that, I just chose to ignore it and continue writing. Anyway, I am thankful for everything in my life, the bad and the good. I think with out the bad things, we could not be thankful or even have the good things. As I start my day today and get ready to go teach third graders about the importance of God, I am thankful that God has given me the oppertunity to grow in love with him as I go through all his trials and tribulations.

77 times?

A new day comes upon me and has been much better than previous days. I did get off the couch today and make some progress around the house, it did make me feel a bit better. 


This morning was kinda hard though, my mom called me and we were talking about thanksgiving and such and I just started crying. She then of course wants to know what is wrong and I refuse to tell her. I told her that maybe in time I would, but I just wasn't ready right now. I so much just wanted to belt out everything that is burdening my heart, but as much as I love her, I don't think that she could give the closure or advice that I need. We did talk about some things in the bible and I so wanted them to relate to my specific problems, but none of them did. I keep reading about forgiveness in the bible and it just says forgive forgive forgive. Even forgiving 77 times. 


21 Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”22^* Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.


That just seems crazy to me, does Jesus forgive us that many times? I have read so much on forgiveness over the past 2+ weeks and still have no clue on how to forgive. Eventually I know I will learn but right now I just can't figure it out. Well until next time..........

My ups and downs

*Warning* You are going to read this and then remember my last couple days of blogs where I was lala happy and had a great life! Ok well I do a great life, and am very thankful for what I have just so you know!

Today is one of many days that I wake up only to want to go right back to sleep. I woke up, made sure I had everything ready for my sunday school class, then went back to bed. I decided about 830 it was really neccessary that I get out of my bed and get ready for church. That was all fine and dandy, my class drives me crazy sometimes, but its God's work and he has called me to do this. Anyway after I got home I went straight to my bed, I only got up because I promised my friend that I would watch her kids. Since then I have been pretty much sitting here staring at the computer doing nothing really, putting stuff on my pinterst, and having tons of intentions of being super crafty. All I want to do is go back to bed, I would love to sleep and sleep and sleep for what feels like forever.

There are some stress isssues in my life right now and I am sure that is contributing to the tiredness and my emotional rollarcoaster feeling. Thanksgiving is stressing me out to no end, there are just so many different issues right now. My grandpa wants to ride with me to missouri, which I honestly think will end bad. I think he will get aggravated with the kids and yell at them, then I think that my grandma will be bitchy towards me for even bringing him, they are married but she left him in a nursing home down here when he had his leg amputated. Then I don't know whether my husband or best friend is coming with me, because of my husbands lovely bosses at work who are obviously not capable of making decisions and want everything super secretive we don't know if he will be home for thanksgiving or not. I like to plan and non of this is planned in stone. Then there is the other issue that went on 16 days ago that for some reason continues to tear me up inside. At most times I really think I am over it, REALLY, but it just won't go away. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to deal with it, I just don't know anything anymore. I pray and pray and pray that God can help me destress about thanksgiving and get past this little bump in my life, it just doesn't feel like it is working. 

Lonely

Having a husband that is gone 2 weeks at a time, sometimes three then home for up to 2 weeks, most of the time less, is acually pretty hard. I usually say that it is great because it gives me a chance to focus on other stuff like random crafts and friends. But some days it is really hard. You just get used to having an extra adult at home to tell the kids to go to bed, or to help with the dishes, or even just to snuggle with.. When he is gone, I would just like to adopt an adult to stay at my house in the evening and just make sure the kids get their stuff done and keep me company when i just wanna chat in the evening. 


It sounds kinda stupid, because sometimes I get excited when he leaves because I feel almost like our lives go back to normal when he is gone, but in reality it is only normal when he is home. I am thankful that I have great friends that help make up for it, but they can't do somethings that a man does. NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX! I am talking about cuddling on the couch, laying in his lap or shoulder while watching a movie, holding hands, and those long sweet hugs. I miss those things every two weeks of my life. 


I would love love love to clone my husband so that I could just have a substitute of him while he is at work. Just a warm body really, he doesn't have to talk that much lol. Just be cuddly lol. Maybe I should just get a huge teddy bear because I am sounding extremely weird right now. 


I was just going to start saying how I hate when he is gone and I am alone, but there are times that I would kill to be alone. The last two weeks have been some of those times. To be alone, completely alone would have been amazing , just for a day. As anyone who has been reading my blog knows, I have been venting about a different situation and could really just use 24 hours to really be alone and think. Not having to make sure kid eat, do homework, stay safe, etc, its really what i need. I have not completely dealt with the problem inside yet, and well at times its really hard. I hate internal battles!!!!!!! Ok so todays topic went a little of course so I am going to get these kiddos ready for soccer games and get on with my day :)

Ho..........Hum

Well I don't havem uch to talk about today, other tham I honestly have an amazing life. I have 3 beautiful children that bring such a huge smile to my face. They are annoying like crazy 60 percent of the time, but that other 40, they are just amazing. When they all get along they are the cutest sweetest most amazing children ever. They are all sitting in my daughters room right now talking about some pretend game they are going to play. ADORABLE!

Next Topic, lol! Tomorrow is the last weekend of soccer. I am sad but excited at the same time. I absolutley love watching them play soccer and an sad that daddy and uncle justin are going to miss it. :-( But life goes on! Nathan has done an amazing job with soccer this year, anyone who knows him, knows that I battle with him to get him involved in things because he is so shy. Abbey, oh Abbey, Gosh I love that girl. Her team has done crazy good this year, her team is undefeated and I pray that she goes out that way tomorrow. Soccer is my favorite, I can not believe how much I have got into it, not a crazy yelling mom, but just into it. I love it!!

Ok, thats all I got tonight, LOVE YOU ALL!

Relief...

Today has been just a great day for the most part. I got to have a nice heart to heart and I think I pretty much put everything out there in the open. Feels so good! I have a sense of relief, although I probley caused someone else to be a little bit more stressed, but ya gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. I think I am just about past this lovely life event because after talking I realize that we all make mistakes. No one is perfect, I sure know that I am not. If we were all perfect this world would be so boring. Mistakes define us in a way.

re·lief

  [ri-leef] 

noun

1.

alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain,distress, oppression, etc.

I am definatly feeling the removal of pain. Its gonna be fine, this too shall pass!!

visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head

I am a very visual person. You tell me something, I my mind automatically just see's it. It is very disturbing at times. Why can't I just see sugar plums dancing in my head all the time instead of everything anyone has ever done or said to me that is hurtful.

Anyway,  I saw something not too long ago and I can't get it out of my mind. Its a vision that honestly makes me question the last 13 years of my life. What happened?? I don't understand.

People can really disappoint you, even the people you love the most. I can name so many people that have let me down in my life, that its not even funny. I am at a loss right now and so confused. I wish I could hit the pause button on my life right now and not hit play until my head is cleared up. Have you ever looked around you and all you see is just everything rushing by you, everything looks like its in fast forward? I am in slow mode right now and every day just goes by quicker than the last.

I so wish I had the nerve to type what happened, you would understand so much better. But I just can't, nor do I think my fingers will ever type it. I am probley making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but in amberland, nobody does anything like this, especially to me, lol. That sounds stupid, but really that is how I feel. I would watch Law and Order SVU all the time, and I would say "gosh that sucks what happened to that little girl, but stuff like that doesn't happen in real life so that's good!." But in reality, it happens, just like this aweful thing happened to me. VISIONS..........I hate visions! I hate that I saw, I hate that I know, I hate that it happened! I am not sure if God tests people, but if he does, I don't know how many more tests I can get and A or B on!

Family and Holidays

Well I am gearing up to go to Missouri soon to have Thanksgiving with my family. My mom and dad have been divorced for over 9 years now and they have both agreed that we could have Thanksgiving together. This is a huge deal seeing that I have not had a holiday with my mom, dad, and sisters since 1999. I have had it with my mom and sisters, but that is different. Dad lives in North Dakota so I am praying that he will actually be able to work it out with his work schedule.

I am not sure if my husband will be able to come yet, his work schedule is up in the air right now, so I possibly will be bringing my best friend and her 3 kiddos. Yes we ARE crazy! But what are friends for, if not to go on an adventure that we know will be stressful and live through it lol! Anyway I am having mixed feelings about the holiday, not that I am not looking froward to it, but well its just to explain seeing that you don't know my major stress problem from almost 2 weeks ago.

So Thanksgiving..... I have been so excited for months about spending the holiday with mom, dad, both of my sisters with their boyfriends, my hubby and kids. Its like a dream that we all can be in the same place. Well............ I was notified yesterday or the day before that Thanksgiving has progressed into a HUGE family event. Now it will be the previously mentioned people, along with my two aunts and uncles, their kids (my cousins) and then their kids, along with my grandmother. Oh my grandma, she is not someone you want to be around. She drinks, she is unhappy, I think she hates life, ugh. Oh and one of my aunts, well she drinks and gets loud and obnoxious. So being excited for Thanksgiving has turned into me dreading it. I know its just for a few hours that I have to be around all these people, but geesh. Everyone but my aunt and grandma are great, love them, but I can not avoid the annoying ones. They know they are annoying and are like vultures, they prey on you and can not wait to eat you up. Ok well they are not gonna eat me, but you get my drift.

So now what? I almost want to stay home, BUT then I would have to have Thanksgiving with husbands family. Not that I don't like them, I love them!!!! Its just hard when you want to be somewhere else. And then possibly not having my husband to go to his family's with, booo. Not liking it.

daddy

wishes I could climb into my daddies lap like when I was a kid and cry and he rubs my back and tells me everything will be fine; just keep believing.

Day in the Life

My days start off stressful! I get up to get my 2 oldest ready for school, which honestly its not that bad, they do most everythin themselves, but there are the mornings where someone doesn't want to eat or they are not happy with the uniform shirt they are wearing, ugh, so sometimes stressful. Then the tme comesthat Lucas wakes up, well he wants to eat and learn FIRST thing in the morning. I want to sleep, or watch tv and drink my coffee.

Then its time to start cleaning for the day, which everyone knows IS NEVER ENDING!!!!! I swear I don't know how his house has so much dang laundry. Well there I am cleaning, do laundry and the kids just stroll in the door. Where the heck did the day go??? So homework time, I watch my husbands friends little boy after school for an hour or so, so I do kindergarten, first grade, and fourth grade homework. And they all want my attn at the same exact time, I like to give each kid individual attn so in a perfect world the would let me. But not perfect lol! After hmework I begin cleaning up all their mess, their sand filled shoes, papers that they did that day, backpacks, jackets, socks, etc. While I am doing that they are playing, and when I say playing I mean running through the house like maniacs, or my boys are fighting with eachother over some stupid toy. I am losing my mind as this is going on.

Soccer practice time!!!!!!!Now lets get one kid to practice on one side of town and they other one on the complete other AT THE SAME FRICKEN TIME. They both have practice on tuesday at 530 across town from eachother, crazy. My youngest is of course completly bored while his siblings are practicing so I try to make sure there is always something in the car to keep him busy, but that doesn't always work. I brng my nook becuase I always think that I will be able to read, NOT! The season s almost over and I still have not gotten through this ONE book. Seven comes around and its time to head home.

Then time to start cooking dinner, ahhhhhhhh, what am I gonna cook??????? Well I of course make something AMAZING lol, ok well not every night, but most. The kids are running and screaming through the house with their neighborhood friends. Thank God,it is now time for friends to go home, because it gets dark early, and as the dinner is cooking I sit down for a few minutes, but that isn't relaxing becuase here comes a kid to taddle. Ok lets just eat, Oh goodness, "I don't like this" comes from a child. I at this point just don't care, eat pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. After threatning they eat and its bath time. Bath time in this house i supe super easy, oldest showers by herself, and the boys take a quick bath. Getting ready for bed is pretty easy too, thank God! I put them down, try to forget how stressed  am so that I can read them a story, thank goodness they are in bed now!!!!!!! Now time to clean up from dinne, do some more laudry, and attempt to watch some tv. By this time, I am sooooo tired. Goodnight Moon!

Avoidance

Have you ever confronted a situation just to avoid it? Well I have. I think that is just the person that I am, or was, or became, I am really not sure. I had a situation that was weighing very hard on my heart, and praying just wasn’t cutting it this time. I decided to confront it, which in ambers world, it means I text it lol. So the burden has been somewhat lifted and now I find myself avoiding the topic that I confronted the person with. I had lunch today with the person that hurt me and acted as if nothing was wrong. Is there something wrong with me? It was a big thing, not that she was talking about me behind my back or anything, BIG! Am I naive to think everything will just go back to normal? Do I want it too?
I have been through lots of stages of emotion in he past 10 days, and I don’t think I have really broke yet. Am I going to break? Are my kids going to see me break? God I hope not. I have a great friend and someone else that I can talk to about the situation but I still feel so alone and feel like there is something wrong with me that I can’t get what I need from talking to my two peeps. Yea I know, you are probley thinking, duh you have a husband, or talk to god about it, but neither of those are working this time. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh my mind is just going crazy.

confusion

I don’t know how to get through the pain. I am trying! I have An hour of joy and happiness, and then 20 minutes of complete sadness. At least the good is out waying the bad, but it’s still hard. It seems like everyday something. We comes out or I remember something that I didn’t want to remember then all the hurt comes back. Not just my heart hurting, or being sad, but physical hurt. My chest gets tight, my arms get shaky, and I get sick like I need to vomit, I do most of the time. Sorry of that was tmi but it is what it is. I will give you a backlog of my Last year soon, but for now, I am going to go back to sleep, well try!